i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
do herpes really smell.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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