I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
