she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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