we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
