She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
