A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
