You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
