I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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