failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
