i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
We left the knife in your bed.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
