Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
