1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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