My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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