i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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