is your mom at the bar?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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