I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
