The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
