I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
wow bdsm is so cute
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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