I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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