listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
