Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
