At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
