I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
