just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
