Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
