So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
