We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
