Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
