He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
