I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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