His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
