I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
