I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
