farters have to be the big spoon...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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