Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
