How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
