I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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