if you like me you must not know who I am
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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