fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
