guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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