i think my tv is drunk
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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