I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
