Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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