I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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