Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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