some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
