No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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