Kiss
Puke
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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