There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
