He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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