I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
