using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
